With Tom Brady out until Week 5, Jimmy Garoppolo dealing with an AC joint sprain and now Jacoby Brissett on the shelf with a torn right thumb ligament; wide receiver and former Kent State Golden Flash QB Julian Edelman is now QB1 in New England.
Source confirms torn right thumb ligament for Jacoby Brissett. Suffered injury in 2nd half Thursday. Faces likely surgery for stabilization.
— Mike Petraglia (@Trags) September 23, 2016
For most teams in the NFL, their seasons would be over by Week 5 if they had encountered the Patriots’ bad luck at the quarterback position. In the first four weeks, the Patriots will have played their second, third and most likely fourth string quarterbacks. Instead, the Patriots will welcome Mr. Brady back to the team with a perfect 4-0 record and two less Ryan brothers on the sidelines in Buffalo.
Wait a minute. The Patriots don’t have a fourth quarterback on the roster. But they do have two former college quarterbacks — Edelman and tight end AJ Derby — who are currently on the roster.
Looking at Edelman, he’s too important to the team as a receiver to play more than a couple of Wildcat snaps. Check out his numbers as a senior at Kent State though: 153-275 (55.6%), 1,820 yards, 13 TD & 11 INT through the air. 1,370 yards and 13 TD on the ground. Not too shabby.
As for Derby, he was ranked the No. 14 quarterback (3-star) in the 2010 high school class, and played quarterback at both Iowa and Arkansas. He only played a combined two seasons at quarterback for both the Hawkeyes and the Razorbacks, before changing positions to tight end, where he now plays for the Patriots. In his collegiate quarterbacking career, Derby completed 22-of-42 passes for 208 yards and a touchdown. Meh, maybe he can run the scout team.
Let’s get serious for a minute and really brainstorm about who could beat the shitty Bills and in the process, fire Brady up for his Week 5 return.
Peyton Manning? Nah, he’s a corpse. Brett Favre? Turns the ball over too much. Johnny Manziel? Foxboro is no Vegas. TJ Yates? Boooooring. Scott Zolak? He claims he’s ready, but he’s crushed too many of his favorite silver bullets. Drew Bledsoe? Dude is too focused on squishing grapes with his feet.
So, who’s going to piss off Brady and beat the Bills?
Three words. The. Brady. 6.
This is how it went:
First Quarter
Who sets the tone better than the first quarterback selected in the 2000 NFL Draft, Chad Pennington? We all knew his noodle arm wouldn’t last long, so after handing the ball off twice and then taking a deep shot off play-action to Chris Hogan, Pennington’s arm fell off — literally. Pennington headed back to Lexington Middle School, to coach his team to victory.
After falling down 7-0 to the Bills, Belichick called upon former Super Bowl champion, Chris Redman. Redman had to take PTO from his cushy business development officer job to play on Sunday, and that resulted in a Redman to Gronk touchdown, which tied the game at 7. After an earth-shattering Gronk spike, Redman’s ankles broke, since he forgot that he was still wearing his Brooks Brothers business shoes. He was then carried off to the locker room.
Second Quarter
With the score tied at 7, Southern California’s offensive coordinator, Tee Martin, started to warm-up his shoulder. Martin — who backed-up Manning at Tennessee and won a national title as the starting quarterback — is the only member of the six that’s still involved with the sport. Martin, known for his accuracy — he broke the NCAA record with 24 straight completions, nbd — led a 15-play, 95-yard drive to put the Patriots up 14-10. After completing 25 straight passes and giving Rob Ryan a legitimate heart attack in the second quarter, he was done. Martin packed his bag and took the first flight back to LAX.
The Patriots led the Bills 24-7 at the half.
Third Quarter
The player selected right before Brady, by the Browns (of course) in the sixth round, was the next man up. He went by the name of Spergon Wynn. Wynn wanted to better his NFL career statistics, which read: 1 touchdown pass and 7 interceptions. After throwing 10 straight incompletions and his 8th career interception to end the quarter, the Bills had tied the game at 24. Not only was Wynn cut by Belichick at the end of the third, but he was also immediately fired by Amerex Energy Services, his daily broker job. Poor Sperg.
Fourth Quarter
Belichick waited until the fourth to play the best of the six, Marc Bulger, who played in two Pro Bowls and had his practices spied on by Belichick — prior to the 2001 Super Bowl. Bulger lit up Rex Ryan’s secondary (RIP Rob) and it looked like the greatest show on the Gillette Stadium turf. Bulger began to walk onto the field to kneel out a 55-24 victory, but then a man — dressed like Buddah — exited the Gillette Stadium tunnel. A spotlight shined on this man and it was none other than Giovanni Carmazzi, the second quarterback taken in the 2001 draft and a current yoga-practicing, goat farmer.
Carmazzi stepped onto the field, walked behind center David Andrews, took the snap and gently sat down on the turf.
Game over.
After Brady watched the six players selected before him in the 2000 draft defeat the Bills and execute Josh McDaniel’s game plan, Brady looked like a man possessed as he entered the Patriots’ locker room for the first time since the preseason.
Brady was finally back and ready to destroy the league.
