As the 2023 fantasy football season winds to a close, you may still be fighting for your league’s top prize. Maybe it’s a big cash pot, or some kind of trophy, ring, or championship belt. Maybe it’s simply bragging rights and the knowledge that for the next 12 months, you are the king or queen of your league. Regardless, it’s a coveted prize that everyone wants.
What many leagues overlook is a proper punishment for the worst of the worst that year. Sure, humiliation and the loss of a year’s league fee is something, but most feel that isn’t enough. If you’re unlucky or unskilled enough to finish in last place, many think you should have to pay the piper in some way.
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Does this describe you? Well, you’re in the right place. Here are our favorite ideas for your 2023-2024 fantasy league’s last place punishment.
CALENDAR OF SHAME
An absolute classic. Especially with the end of the fantasy season coinciding with the new year, what better holiday present for your league-mates than a gift that will keep giving all year? Make a day out of getting the league together for the photo shoot, and hand out these bad boys hot off the presses to whoever wants one.
TAKE THE SATs
Remember the SATs? You got up earlier than you ever hoped on a Saturday and sat in a dingy high school classroom for five hours, and somehow, that seemed to decide the entire fate of your future? Good times, right? Well, lucky for you, there’s no rule that says you have to be a high school student to sit for the SATs!
Most local high schools hold the test multiple times a year, which gives your last-place finisher plenty of time to sort out the best date. To make this even more enjoyable for all, you can get the league together the night before and go hard enough that the test taker is in rough shape the next morning.
ROADSIDE EMBARRASSMENT
Do you want to humiliate your buddy without costing him a cent? Look no further than this punishment. All you need is an embarrassing outfit, a slab of cardboard, a marker, and the busiest street corner you can find. Predetermine an amount of time and the perfect date to capitalize on holiday shopping traffic or a local event that will get the most eyeballs possible on your lovable loser. And be sure to keep tabs on him — if he leaves early, he returns tomorrow for double the time!
You can even outfit your punishee in merch from our ‘I Suck At Fantasy Football’ collection!
THE LONELY TRIP
Have you ever taken a painfully long ride on public transit, with the only saving grace being once you arrive at your destination? Well, what if you did the same ride, and when you got there, you simply turned around and came right back? Torture!
The key here is to pick a destination that’s far but not too far and also doesn’t present much opportunity for fun once the person arrives. Based in the Boston area? I hear Syracuse, NY, is nice this time of year. How about Chicago? A trip to the Upper Peninsula sounds lovely!
A bus trip is ideal for this one for obvious reasons (it sucks), but a train or even a nice flight (on Spirit Airlines, obviously) can get the job done as well.
EGG FIRING SQUAD
My league has done this one for a couple years, and beyond just a great excuse to get everyone together, it’s a blast. Nothing says “better luck next year” more than a Randy Johnson-esque fastball with an egg right in the spine.
From experience, I HIGHLY recommend removing the eggs from the fridge for a few hours. Cold eggs are a lot more painful — just ask my buddy below.
iHOP LOCKDOWN
You can do this one in a variety of ways, but the standard format is simple: your league’s loser has to spend 24 hours in an iHOP (or comparable 24-hour breakfast chain), and every pancake they eat shaves a half hour off their time.
The first few go down quick, but things slow down fast, and they’ll likely spend at least 8-10 hours in that booth. Feel free to have your other league-mates accompany them to make it a bit more bearable to make it through — or, make it a solitary punishment if you are really brutal.
TATTOO TIME
This one’s obviously reserved for ultra-serious leagues, but it’s great. Does your league have a running inside joke you’ve all laughed about for years, or a player that always comes up in conversation despite a complete lack of relevance to fantasy football? Immortalize that joke or player forever in the form of a tattoo.
You can even go with a simple “I Suck at Fantasy Football” tattoo if you want. Generally, the loser gets to choose where on their body it goes, but as long as it’s agreed upon before the year, go nuts with it!
