Indeed, winning a fantasy football league and hoisting your championship trophy should bring a level of pride that ranks alongside the birth of your first child.
Yet, the act of shaming your league’s pathetic, abysmal, piece-of-trash last-place finisher should be just as satisfying and important. A deep wound of embarrassment that can be re-opened and salted for months, even eternity, keeping the fantasy group chat on fire at all times.
Plus, on a more practical note, having a merciless last place penalty ensures that all owners remain engaged until the end. Otherwise, late-season fantasy fates can be altered by the wretched scum bags who are no longer in playoff contention and stop setting their lineups. Puke.
Below, we’ve collected some of the top fantasy football punishments that glaringly remind your league’s dirt pile bottom dwellers just how worthless they truly are.
If you have a brutal last place punishment that could top these, submit it to Roto Street Journal today! DM @RotoStreetWolf on Twitter.
#7 – The Themed Calendar of Shame
This is among the more well-known punishments out there, and for solid reason. You get 12 disgraceful, themed pictures of your last place loser. A tool popping out of a pumpkin in October. A loser leaping alongside the Easter Bunny in April. Or, like this hilarious ensemble, the photos are themed by popular magazine covers:
Regardless of the topic, the major benefits of the calendar are :
A) It can be a prominent display for all guests to see, and
B) There are 12 rounds of disgraceful humiliation for the loser
Given the year length to a calendar’s shame, my main league has settled on this for future last-place finishes.
#6 The SATs
This one works far greater for older generations, yet is still satisfying for all ages given the overall shittiness of the SATs.
Imagine the joy of watching your likely overweight, perhaps bearded, and most certainly idiotic leaguemate cramming into an ill-fitting desk alongside creeped out, even horrified high schoolers.
Ideally, temperatures are hot so you can record the sweat pouring down this buffoon’s face as he struggles through a four-hour tango with the SATs and Satan all at once.
Full effort must be a requirement — no nonchalant, carefree rushing all the answers just to escape. Scores must be reported at draft night, so you can revel in how much dumber your last-place finisher is as compared to the average high schooler.
These bros at B.C. laid the ground rules well, my favorite being the requirement of a high school letterman to rub in the age gap:
We set several ground rules for his test taking experience:
– He couldn’t disturb any of the kids that were taking the test for real.
-He couldn’t make any of those kids uncomfortable in anyway whatsoever.
-He couldn’t get tossed from the test – meaning no matter how hung over he was, he wasn’t allowed to puke.
-He had to wear the high school’s lacrosse letterman jacket from 2006, along with a booster club hat, and seniors ’06 shirt.
-He had to write legibly for the essay portion
-He could write whatever he wanted for the essay, he didn’t have to follow the prompt. (We were hoping he would write something funny)
-Take the full test or get kicked from the league
Meanwhile, this bro wrote a hilarious memoir of the entire SAT experience.
No, the SATs don’t provide the physical longevity of a calendar. Yet, the score reports combined with the brutality of those four hours could leave a haunting emotional scar that lasts an eternity.
#5 – The Thong
This one comes from my youngest brothers’ hometown league, and is an absolute gem. At the end of every fantasy season the last place finisher is stripped to nothing but a thong (color determined via the winner) and takes a harrowing stroll of shame down the beach.
Indeed, this punishment would be even more ruthless if done during the packed, hot months of July or August instead of December. Nonetheless, countless dog walkers and couples in hopes of a romantic beach stroll have their eyes tortured with a degraded, thong-clad 20+-year-old.
#4 – The Flower “Girl”
The beautiful bells toll and spread joy through the air. An adorable ring bearer struts down the aisle. Some studly groomsmen, dressed to the nines, roll in next, followed by some gorgeous bridesmaids radiating their beauty.
And then comes your pathetic last place loser, ideally clad in a tiara or even dress (not captured here), sprinkling shameful flowers to all the horrified onlookers.
That scene unfolded at my buddy’s wedding this past summer, and it was glorious. Shout out to the Fight for the Fez league for this wonderful submission – face has been blurred for respect purposes.
Of course, this punishment is contingent on one of your tool leaguemates actually getting married (this was our first), so it can’t be a yearly staple. You’ll also need the coolest wife ever to cosign this. But when the occasion calls, be sure to shred your abysmal last place finisher’s soul before two others unite their own.
#3 – The Beggar Dress
https://www.instagram.com/p/BOiCuPBDhte/
Not much to explain here. Place your friend in a high-traffic area, clad in a beautiful dress, with a beggar sign pronouncing his fantasy ineptitude to the world. So much shame on so many levels, and so simple to execute. An absolute gem.
#2 – The Lonely Trip
This one kills two birds with one stone, both rewarding the winner and heartlessly pillaging the last place mulch pile.
Every offseason, the winner picks a location and his other leaguemates cover the cost for a massive celebration trip…that is, for everyone except last place. The winner also gets to choose any location to send the loser to, humiliated and alone, while all the other owners are partying up together.
Most recently, the league enjoyed a nice trip to San Francisco, while the loser enjoyed an isolated getaway to middle-of-nowhere Midwest.
#1 – The Themed Tattoo
Though the tattoo might not appear the most original, it is by far the most degrading. A glaring, PERMANENT reminder of your sheer helplessness. Yes, permanent. As in, the rest of your life.
Though you won’t be the first league that does a tattoo, you can become the first of a specific type. For example, a buddy of mine does a league where the woeful last-place finisher has to get a Chewbacca tattoo. Now, the Chewbacca can be of any variety. From Nun Chewbacca to Caribbean Bartender Chewbacca, the punishment allows creativity in its shame. The latest offering:
There’s plenty your league will need to decide on, such as tattoo location and overall visibility, as well as the general size. Most important, however, is who or what the tattoo will feature. Maybe every year you switch it up (per league vote) with whatever’s buzzing.
Priceless. Permanent. Shame
Know of a more cold-hearted last place punishment than those above? Send it to The Roto Street Journal at admin@rotostreetjournal.com or any of our social media outlets (Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook) to be featured in our Fantasy Hall of Shame. Top Punishment of 2020 Wins $100!
