It’s common knowledge that all good things must come to an end. It’s an unfortunate, unavoidable fact of life. Sometime in the next decade or so, Tom Brady is going to hang up his cleats, ride into the sunset, and retire to a boring life of making millions of dollars in endorsements and banging a supermodel. Someday, we’re going to have to watch The Masters without the magical pipes of Jim Nantz calmly telling us that spring has arrived. And someday, eventually, Rob Gronkowski will make a 69 joke and I won’t laugh. But that day is not today, because it is goddamn hilarious.
We all know that Gronk is a 17 year old boy trapped in the body of a giant world-class athlete. All the guy wants to do is chug beers, bang smokes, and make jokes about sex positions; a simple man, indeed. But I, like many I assume, have just been sitting here wondering how far he’ll go. We know this isn’t some thing that Rob Gronkowski does just because other people will laugh at him; according to this story of his high school basketball game and his ex-girlfriend, who was featured on the Barstool Rundown on Comedy Central during Super Bowl Week, he’s been doing shit like this since he was a kid. It’s not a shtick for the public; he legitimately just can’t help himself when it comes to these jokes. And that just makes it all even more hysterical.
If you’re the Daytona 500, or Fox, or whoever organized this, you had to see this coming. You took a giant child, presumably after a couple (dozen) beers, and gave him a live microphone surrounded by race cars and chicks in tight clothes; this was inevitable. If anything, they should be pumped. This is probably the most popular NASCAR related content on the Internet in the history of the world (sorry, NASCAR fans; the “Internet” is that thing that comes up when you click on the blue “e” on your magic clickbox). Shockingly, NASCAR has yet to build up the following nationwide as, y’know, real sports, so maybe this is what they’re missing. One could argue that every sport needs their very own Gronk, but maybe none more than the one where cars drive in circles while fans pee in bottles and yell racial slurs.
