There has been a lot of talk lately about how awful Houston Texans “quarterback” Brock Osweiler is—some by the Houston fans, some by the media, and most of it from me, personally. But how bad could he really be? Well, I’m sure glad you asked.
The following is a list of 20 things that are decidedly better than Brock Osweiler:
- Ingrown toenails
- The moral compass of Javier Bardem’s character in No Country For Old Men
- When you have to throw up and you have diarrhea at the same time and you have to choose which one goes in the toilet and which one goes on the floor
- When someone says “What’s Up?” to you, and you answer, “Good.” (Also when you go to the movies and the guy who takes your ticket says “Enjoy the show,” and you say, “You too.”)
- Swine flu
- Playing one of the old Nintendo games that didn’t have the ability to save, and then having it get unplugged after you’d been playing for like 3 hours and were about to beat the game.
- McDonald’s fries that have been reheated
- Sitting on the couch naked and having the remote control go straight up your ass and get stuck, and then you go to the emergency room for help and tell them what happened but you can tell they don’t believe you and think you were just shoving it up there for kicks. And also the doctor who treats you is your girlfriend’s father.
- Getting in a huge fight with a guy in a bar or something and holding your own fairly well and feeling pretty good about yourself but then it turns out he was a minority even though you thought he looked white when you were fighting him and then you end up getting charged with a hate crime
- Passing kidney stones
- Having your face torn off by an allegedly domesticated chimpanzee
- Getting drunk and rowdy and then passing out and having your friends draw eyeballs on your eyelids and then going to work like that.
- Getting sent to a maximum security prison for a good stretch and so on the first day you go up to the biggest, baddest guy in the prison yard and start shit with him to earn respect but then he just brutally murders you with his bare hands because you’re just a regular guy and he’s the biggest, baddest guy in a prison so of course that was never going to work
- Milk being sold in the “Reduced Price” section of the grocery store
- Getting caught in a lie you told for absolutely no reason and then looking like a psycho for lying about something so trivial and meaningless
- Being an actual Nigerian prince who has tons of money locked up in some European account that you could totally get if someone would just front you like ten grand, but all the people you email and ask for help assume it’s a scam for some reason and won’t help you
- Getting a tattoo of a cool looking Chinese symbol that some guy told you meant “Powerful Tiger” or something like that, but then during a routine physical your doctor, who is Chinese, informs you it really means, “Pussy-Ass Douchebag”
Can you think of something better than Brock Osweiler that didn’t make our list? We’d love to hear it! Add it to the comments section, Tweet at us or email us at email@example.com