Dear Really Bad Trades Guy,
You probably think that there’s a chance I’m going to accept your most recent trade proposal. You also probably still think that CJ Spiller is on the verge of breaking out. I am writing this letter to let you know that everyone in the league is sick of your bullshit. Stop sending outrageous 3-for-1 trade proposals.
Whenever I get a trade proposal notification, I get excited. Like rock hard, six to midnight, I need a new pair of boxers, excited. When it comes to trading in fantasy football, it ranks right up there with shitting and cumming. Do you even understand the emotional roller coaster that a person goes through when considering trading one of their players, or even better, acquiring new ones. “Hey, do you want to come over and fuck?” You’d probably be pretty excited about that text if you got it. That’s the same level of excitement I get when I see “I Like Bortles has offered you a trade.” Except when you open up the rest of the text message, the full sentence is “Do you want to come over and fuck yourself while midgets stand on your shoulders and kick you in the temple.”
I’m writing this letter asking you to stop sending over outlandish trade proposals because every time you do, a puppy dies. Learn how to appropriately value your players and stop wasting my time. Until you can do that, I wish terrible things upon you.
Everyone in the league